After agonizing of whether he's mad or just doesn't want to talk to me. I decided to make the first move (again). I told him my wish. [He owes me a wish] my wish is that he'd write back to my letter. He asked me how he'd give it to me, told him we'll meet. He asked if I’m mad. I said no. why would I be mad? Of all the feelings that I was feeling at that time it was nowhere near mad. Fear enveloped me. I wish, someone was there like ange, rich, karla or kay to hug me and tell me 'I’m doing the right thing', or 'don't be scared', 'it's for the better'. I asked him if he was mad. he said, 'nope. Nlalabuan, 2 tel u d truth. Pagusapan nlng ntn ngaun.’ It was the moment. I have to be honest if I want honesty. Goodness! It’s really hard to text stuff like these. [I’m supposed to be sleeping at that time, but I just couldn’t sleep] I asked what was not clear. He said ‘kng panu ngyare..’ …ang? ‘ung mga ngyayare ngaun stn’ what IS happening between us? Or what is happening with him? ‘Cause I know what is happening with me. I’m just head over feet. He said, ‘kc prang out of nowhre’ the thing is out of nowhere??? It was freakin’ there all the time! Why was I so scared to show my feelings before?? God!!! I told him it has always been there, hindi lang niya siguro nahahalata(or dahil kasi ayaw ko). Sabi niya, ‘Yeah, pero I mean.. lam m un, ung pakikitungo ntn sa isat isa parang normal frnds. Ewan q’. Why? Are we not friends? Does it have to be more than normal? Does he WANT it to be more than normal? He didn’t say anything, for us to be more than ‘normal friends’. At ang sagot niya, ‘ndi naman. Pero ewan, anlabo eh. I liked u dti, pero parang naaccpt q na frnds lng tyo’. SIGH. This is where it hurts. Super. It’s when you look back and realized there could’ve been something IF ONLY you did something to make it happen. It could’ve been easier (siguro) if he didn’t like me at all. Period. Ako naman si tanga na honest pa, sinabi na ‘akala q nga wla na e. Bt i jz cnt get ovr u. ewn q, prng im w8ng 2smthng n mgsbi na i rili hv 2muv on. Na wlng p22nguhan ung pghi2ntay q. sbrang dming beses q na gus2 sbhn sau,bt i ws w8n 4u 2say smthng. Ts, aun i dnt wnt 2mve on na wla aqng gngwa. Kc I ws hopng na smhw ud fil d sme. I tuk d risk’. The ending was different from what I hoped, but somehow similar with what I expected. ‘eh kc, I dnt knw, I dnt thnk I fil the same way.. Lam m un, tgal n kta kilala as a frnd. D q lng tlga lam, dhl nga dun sa pakikitungo ntn sa isat isa’. So I guess it’s true that the truth hurts. I wanted the truth, and it was slapped on my face. Wala na akong masabi kundi, ‘atlis nw I knw.. Thanku 4being honestü and 4d thngs I learned 4m u’ it’s really true. I am thankful, more than thankful. I learned so much from him. And the last request last night, ‘hey, sna wla magchnge.. kw ung isa sa mga bettr frnds q. Thank u.’

I can’t believe it’s over. The waiting, the guessing, the thinking of what he feels, the kiligness, the feeling of being special(even if somewhere in the back of my head I know it’s nothing, it’s normal), the hoping, everything is over. (well, except for the friendship) how can things be the same? If it will be the same, then I would have to feel the same way. Siguro nga I know nothing about love. Kasi if I do(know things about love), then this wouldn’t have happened. Eh di sana, he saw and felt that I loved him. I really want to blame him for not telling me how he feels. But I can’t. I don’t know. I feel like the only person to blame is ME. Super tanga ko kasi. Now, I have to face the consequences. Haay! People in my shoes would drop the thing and move on. Since ako ay iba. At ako ay tanga, sige pa rin. In my own world I’m looking for a spark of hope. Am I desperate? Sa mga panahong ito gusto ko ng ibato yung computer, but I’m just too weak to move. Nakakawalang gana. Good thing no classes. I have the whole day to write a letter(for my English project), search for costumes(lecheng project sa theater), make 2 concept maps, one for stoichiometry and one for aqueous solutions(for Chemistry) and study for the Econ exams(goshness! Verbatim ang enumeration!)
I wanna know why these things are happening. But I guess only time will tell.

Fall To Pieces

Avril Lavigne (Under My Skin)

I look away

Then I look back at you

You try to say

The things that you can't undo

If I had my way

I'd never get over you

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall

Make it through it all
And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,

I'd be with till the end

When I come undone

You bring me back again

Back under the star

Back into your arms
And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in Love With you
Wanna know who you are

Wanna know where to start

I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel

Wanna know what is real

I wanna know everything, everything
I'm in love with you

Cause i'm in love with you

And I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you
And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it
And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at youI

don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

Cause I'm in Love With you
I'm in love with you,

Cause I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you