i hate not knowing what to say. i hate not knowing what to write. i hate not knowing when the time calls for me to know something-- like now!!! i need to know what to write for my waaay over due fil paper and sci10 paper!!!
and i definitely do what i want. at ngayon, gusto ko lang magblog ng magblog ng magblog. at magisip ng kung anu-ano sakaling may maisip ako isulat para sa reflection paper ko sa sci10. i don't want to care. i will stop caring. pero siyempre, hindi ko kaya. i am not that mean to to not care. i cannot not care. sana mean na lang ako para wala akong nararamdaman ngayon. at sana hindi mahirap. kasi mean people don't really care about what they do. mean people are worse than people who have psychological disorders. or maybe they have psych disorder. but whatever. mean people do things and not care about the outcome. they don't care if they hurt other people or that they destroy something. they just don't care! putang ina. i don't want to care. not caring about anything, is easier. it's easier to deal with the world. you don't have to be responsible of anything and guilt and shame wouldn't eat you alive. mas okay yung manhid ka. you don't get to feel anything. syempre hindi mo masasabi na mas makulay ang mundo kapag masaya ka o kaya naman okay na malungkot o masarap magalit. hindi mo malalaman yun, manhid ka nga eh. you don't feel anything. lying is a skill. it takes a really good actor to lie straight to someone's face. i guess i am not a good actor. what a shame, i'm in theater pa naman. i can't lie for shit. well, i guess, acting is different from lying. no, you don't have to be a good liar to be a good actor. because when you act in theater it has to look truthful, that's why you have to be in character. maybe, a good liar has DID. he shifts into different characters when you confront him that's why it's truthful. sana ganun nga yung dahilan kung bakit nagsisinungaling ang mga tao diba? kasi may DID sila. mas madaling intindhin yung ganun. pero hindi eh, DID is a very rare disorder. kaya mahirap intindihin. lalo na kapag you don't deserve to be lied to. mapapatanong ka talaga ng "BAKIIIIIT??" i don't lie. i omit things, but i don't lie. for as long as you are not asking the right and specific question, i can still hide something. pero kapag tinanong na ko ng "right specific question" wala na. i can't lie for shit. i just can't. pero bakit? i'm a nice person. yes, I AM A NICE PERSON. just because i like having fun in a not so conservative way does not make me a bad person. yun kasi perception ng ibang tao eh, people who drink and smoke and do the things that i do, are uneducated, irresponsible, inconsiderate kids who don't have souls. or at least that's how i read the disapproving looks they give. hindi porket i go around doing things that i want, i am not a good person anymore. I HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS. i do:) pero well, who would believe, right? okaaay. hate and anger makes you don't want to care. it makes you to really not care. at wala na talaga akong pakialam. putangina talaga. i can continue not caring, i have a lot of things to fuel this anger to keep me not caring. hindi ako nanghihinayang sa mawawala. kasi wala namang mawawala eh. marami pa naman akong kaibigan na mas "kaibigan" pa kesa sa'yo. na mas tao pa kesa sa'yo. you're not irreplaceable. watch and learn;)
that was what Lucy told George when George didn't keep his promise of keeping the community center and George was telling Lucy that his company donates millions of dollars to her charities. (Two Weeks Notice) What a stupid, selfish, insensitive, pathetic defense line. Lies, lies, lies. We are in this pool of lies. "stupid lying slut"-J9 arrow heads, arrows, lines, lies, and we are all tangled in it. i swear, our story would win an emmy. :)) i rememberred Frank's "masterpiece" shet, lahat 'yun nasa barkada natin? woah! woah talaga. everybody almost liked everybody. if you look at it, all you would see are lines in circles. labo diba? :)) i met with J9 and Bart in Mcdo today. Yes, the three of us. how funny na kami yung magkakasama. dwelling in the pain that lies brought in our lives. the irony of it all.;) music pacifies people. it's like it expresses what we feel so i'm sharing lines that j9 and i listened to since we were played by fucking slutty players who are lying bastards. "You held my hand and walked me home, I know "Every thing that ive been doin is all bad "Baby listen to me "So let me on down "One night and one more time, "Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor, "You make me feel like a star, oh baby ~gusto lang namin ni j9 yung song:D okay. sooo yun dumating si phimi at frank tapos nagpunta kami sa bahay ko. tapos nanuod ako, si j9 at bart ng two weeks notice. pinili ni bart kasi daw, "I crush Hugh Grant!" and J9 and I can't choose between how to lose and two weeks notice. tapos yun, nagtimpla lang si bart at super fun watching with my girls:D some lines that we laughed at/loved: "You're the most selfish being in the planet!" -Lucy to George "Everyhting is NOT about you!" -yung friend ni Lucy sinabi sa asawa niya. "All men are pawns when it comes to women." -the funny guy that drives george around to George. oh and "SO THAT JUSTIFIES THE LYING?"
today is one hellufa day. it's still a continuation of yesterday since i had no sleep studying for psych and deal with shit that has happened. i went to UP today to write jedil's birthday letter and give it to kitten. and to see kitten:) cathy and i got to talk today. at kamusta naman? chain. chain. chain. i was still super mad. and cathy said it wasn't my fault. kahit na feeling ko that it's my fault. i'm sorry okay? pero i dunno if the friendship is still there. i am tired of you treating me like shit. ano ako? condom??? na pagkatapos kitang pagtakpan, at protectahan, eh itatapon mo na lang ako? sobrang sakit na dahil lang sa nawala siya sa'yo magagalit ka sakin. when it wouldn't have happened if you didn't lie. what does that imply? i mean you not telling me all about your thing going on. that means she's just like those other girls you flirted with. i know you like her. i know. pero with what has happened i don't know if your lying or not. gusto pa rin kitang tulungan alam mo yun? pero kasi... sobrang pagod na ko. kaya sorry. at sorry kung madami akong nasabi kanina at napalakas at medyo narinig ng lahat ng tao sa steps. pero kasi sobrang naiinis ako sa'yo. alam ko mataas ang pride mo at ayaw mo ng kinaawaan ka. pero naaawa ako sa'yo. kasi you lost your cool man. natanga. first time! natanga ka. hindi pa nangyayari yun. pero sobrang wala akong sympathy sa'yo ngayon kasi you deserve it. i am not mean. i am just mad. and frustrated and frustration may lead to one of two things: aggression or depression. and mine kinda went into the aggression side. first time talaga ko magalit ng ganito. sobrang chain talaga ko kanina at sobrang nanginginig ako. at ang mas nakakainis dun napaka NR mo na ngayon. sobrang napaisip ako kung kaibigan mo ba talaga ko eh. o ginagamit mo lang ako. i have a question, where you thinking of her at that time? all those times we were together? gawd. i hate you! at least she had the decency to tell me about it. and at least she didn't lie to me the way you did. to think that you and i have been friends longer than we were friends. okay. enough. no point for this, because i don't want to care. ikaw na yung nagpaalam eh, so malamang hindi na tayo friends. kaya hindi na kailangan pang itolerate ang mga insensitive and selfish behavior mo. thank God i have friends who convinced me that it wasn't my fault. Friends who actually made me realize that i shouldn't be treated like shit. and friends who treat as a real friend. once again, music and a little conversations with my bitches and daryl pacified me for sometime. but i just couldn't stop lighting stick after stick. it means that something else is bothering me. must be the psych exam today. i wasn't feeling well. i vomitted my breakfast and just ate little pieces of chocolate to keep me up and functioning. my head started to feel numb. movement makes me dizzy and i just felt like vomitting. oh yes, i vomitted before my psych exam. and i don't really vomit, unless i'm really really drunk. something's wrong and at this point i don't want to deal with it. i am so frustrated about a lot of things. especially my grades. but you know, i don't want to talk about my failure because i am not prepared to confront myself. i want to stop breathing and feel totally helpless. iwant the world to stop and wait for me to catch up. once again, music and friends pacified me. at least for this time being. fun semi-road trip with mmk going to cobs' house. i actually ate my dinner without vomitting it.:) and i finished all 20 sticks today. so far, that was how my day was. and i am continuing yesterday today. i have a lot to do. and hopefully this will keep me occupied and take me far from breaking down. working makes you avoid self-confrontation, it avoids unwanted feelings, it helps you avoid depression. after this. i shall fly:)
"es-ka-pe. Funny, it spells just like the word escape." -Dory i need escape. the sweet escape or the great escape. whichever is available. i just need to go far far away where i can leave my world and survey it from the outside and try to make sense of the mess i did. oh Father Dear, i need your resources for my escape. yes, escape. not a break nor a vacation. i want to run away from my life. i want to run away from my responsibilities. i need to run away, and not feel anything. to feel safe in the sanity of a different world. a world that's sooo different that i too would be different. a temporary change wouldn't hurt. i need to know. i need to know what i want. what's causing my behavior. i need this cognitive dissonance to be reduced to a manageable size that will keep me functioning. i write to rationalize. i rationalize to justify my actions. i need this to keep myself sane. sanity in this insane world is now out of my hands. and the more i move the more the earth pulls me down to my doom. but i cannot not move. if i stop moving the world will leave me behind. you see, i am not making sense. even when i close my eyes, i can't find the peace i need to keep me totally sane and pacified. this means i have not only fucked up my surrounding but also this little space i made for myself in my mind to rest in when everything else is in chaos. putangina kasi. ayoko na talaga. sawang sawa na talaga ko. napapagod na ko. 3 in one year?? what the hell?? what the hell talaga. it's physically and emotionally tiring! life, what do you want from me? haven't i been faithful to you? haven't i been good? yes, there are times i would think of something really mean(well, funny-kind-of-mean) but i don't really do it. you see, i'm scared of getting hurt. that's why i don't intentionally hurt someone, because i know that karma gets back too fast for me to even think about it. but why??? why do i still have to endure all these shit? I'M TIRED! I'M TIRED OF THIS NEVER ENDING CYCLE! i'm tired of saying sorry. i'm tired of blaming myself. it wasn't just my fault. you had a choice too, you know? i'm tired. i'm tired. really really tired. i am not blaming everything on you. i didn't blame anything. i'm just mad at the fact that you kept me in the dark and because of that shit happened. when in the first place i demanded to know. stupid stupid mouth. stupid talaga. i don't know why i'm like this right now. i don't know what i even feel. and i fucking hate not knowing!!! i've said it before, and i'm saying it again, you frustrate me. "Throw it away "If I could escape I would but, I want to get away, to our sweet escape You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
i hate not knowing because i do stupid things. i hate not knowing because i say stupid things. i hate not knowing because i look stupid. i hate not knowing things which i should've known so that accidents and mistakes would be avoided, and prevented. i hate not knowing things that i have the right to know. and i hate the fact that i should've known about it, and i have asked you ten thousand times about it, and you lied straight to my face. now tell me, is it my fault that i thought wrong? is it my fault that because of my ignorance i committed a LOT of mistakes? i am furiously mad. not because of the romantic shit going on with me for you. it's because you of all people should know me. and i guess, i made a mistake of expecting a lot from you. expecting that you really know me. that you know how my twisted mind functions. how i go about coping with life. and that you would actually tell me important stuff. well, i guess i am just overly disappointed, because unfortunately, after almost 6 years of friendship, you still don't know me. to think that i never lied to you, except for today, and i have always shared everything with you. is it wrong for me to expect that you would do the same? andaming mali ngayon, at hindi ko naiintindihan. wala akong naiintindihan sa kung bakit nangyayari lahat ng ito sa buhay ko, ngayon at hell week. i hate not knowing the things that i want to know. it's just like me not getting what i want. and i always, ALWAYS, get what I want. ''I think I'll go to Boston
7:31 PM
Love You
Right now, present time, you are stuck.
Stuck between the past and the future, both present at the same time.
The impossibility of it to happen proves that there is nothing impossible. Therefore getting out of the situation is also possible.
[This sucks. I lost my point.]
7:27 PM
Love You
I watched this movie about high school kids resisting their principal's whacked way of running their school. They were struggling for change and freedom.
and because of my strong despise for my strong detestation for my mother and her conventional way of thinking(like the principal from the movie) lately, it made me think:
What was the Bill of Rights made for when society frowns upon the enactment and exercise of these rights?
How can we be free and accepted at the same time? (We cannot say that we don't care because acceptance is a psychological and biological need.)
How can we impose change when we, ourselves, are frightened by change?
You might think this is just a struggle between me and my mother. Probably, but my point is one should either be free or not.
Our brain may be complex but we are like babies startled and panic-stricken when there's a change in our environment. We can adjust to it after sometime, but being forever in the transition of change, being stuck in the struggle between freedom and imprisonment, is exhaisting, terrifying and most of all confusing.
It's either you are free or not. Man or gay. Woman or Lesbian. Allowed or not.
Being in between brings absolute confusement, which in one way or another destroys something.
And I think this is what's happening to our world, stuck in between of struggling oppositions. The weak are confused, the powerful are trying to overpower one another, and only the wise can make their way out.
and this is why i hate society.
**either you give her freedom or not. You do not walk her around on a leash, and then fool her into getting in a cage.
you do not let her taste something you cannot give.
7:25 PM
Love You
12:39 AM
Love You
i wanna know if i have been completely a teenager.
[x] Held hands with someone.
[x] Lost someone.
[x] Never got a chance to tell someone something important.
[x] Cried your heart out.
[x] Danced.
Total so far: 5
[x] Rejected someone.
[x] Been called a slut.
[ ] Heard a rumor about yourself.
[x] Hurt someone emotionally.
[x] Hurt someone physically.
Total so far: 9
[x] Got involved in a sport.
[ ] Been called a dork.
[x] Fell in love.
[x] Went to a funeral.
[x]Know someone who has tried to kill their self.
[x] Know someone who has died from drinking.
Total so far: 14
[x] Wrote a love note
[x] Went through a phase.
[x] Got ditched.
[x] Know someone really stupid and/or annoying.
[x] Got in a fist fight with family member/not a friend
Total so far: 19
[x] Made a mistake.
[x] Thought you found the one.
[x] Been dumped.
[x] Lied to your parents.
Total so far: 23
[x] Felt like dying.
[x] Had a crush.
[x] Been lied to.
[x] Felt like the happiest person in the world.
[x] Told the person you liked, that you liked them.
Total so far: 28
[x] Prayed.
[x] Texted in class.
[x] Drank alcohol.
[x] Had more than one crush at a time.
[x] Disliked someone.
Total so far: 33
Final Total: 33
Multiply by three;
Done!
This is how much of a teenager you are.
8:03 PM
Love You
love is not really the root of all evil.
sex is.
sex is the root of all evil. people lie, cheat, deceive, harass, blackmail, harm, kill, steal and other evil things just to get laid.
it's sick. super sick.
3:09 PM
Love You
i want to blame all these to the hormones.
freaking hormones. i'm sad because of you. because of all of you!
i'm not sure though id it's my hormones, it's just the first week of october. it can't be mine.
gawd. i really hate whoremones.
7:54 PM
Love You
obvious ba na hindi pa ko natutulog? i decided not to sleep because i fear of not waking up later.
i have a question, why do people laugh at misfortunes? why do we laugh at sarcastic remarks? why do we laugh at embarrassing situations? why do we laugh at things that aren't even funny at all?
are we really laughing when we laugh at those sentiments? or are we laughing to make ourselves laugh even more?
11:39 PM
Love You
6:11 PM
Love You
6:03 PM
Love You
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah
You held my hand and walked me home, I know
Why you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away, yeah
Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away
This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away
Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway" -Don't Tell Me, Avril Lavigne
I got a chick on the side wit a crib and a ride
Ive telling you so many lies aint nothing good its all bad
And I just wanna confess cause its been goin on so long
Girl I been doin you so wrong and I want you to know that
Every thing that ive been doin is all bad
I got a chick on the side wit a crib and a ride
Ive telling you so many lies aint nothing good its all bad
And I just wanna confess cause its been goin on so long
Girl I been doin you so wrong and I want you to know" - COnfessions Part I, Usher
I've got something to say
I have finally realized
That i'm wasting my life away
You've made so many promises
That's all you ever do
So now tonight i'm leaving
And i won't come back to you
Well, it doesn't really matter
What you have to say
Cuz' you know it won't bring us back
Won't bring back yesterday
Cuz' i'm not crying for you
No, no, no
I'm not crying for you tonight
So please listen when i say
That there's no way that i will stay
And know that
I'm not crying for you
Should've known that
Things would have turned out this way
Should've listened
To all the things my friends would say
How could you say you loved me?
Well, i know that wasn't true
You were never thinking of me
Cuz' you were too much in love with you" - I'm Not Crying For You, Save Ferris
'Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know...
It's just too little too late
a little too wrong
And I can't wait
But you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real
It doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)
I was young
And in love
I gave you everything
But it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate (You know it's just too little too late)
Go find someone else
Im letting you go
I'm loving myself
You got a problem
But don't come asking me for help
I can love with all of my heart, baby
I know I have so much to give (I have so much to give)
With a player like you I don't have a prayer
That's no way to live" -Too Little Too Late, Jojo
Thanks for the memories,
even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time,
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"!" -Thanks for the Memories, Fall Out Boy
and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:
"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.
"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore." -I Write Sins Not Tragedies, Panic at the Disco --gusto lang namin sabihin na siya ay whore. :))
You say stay, baby stay
Just the way you are
And tell me girl, you’re fine
And you will shine
Forever in my heart
That’s why you, yeah you
You make me feel like a star." -You Make Me Feel Like A Star, The Beau Sisters
4:10 PM
Love You
8:42 PM
Love You
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight"
-the great escape
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?
I want to get away, yeah
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me"
-Sweet Escape
8:59 PM
Love You
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice.''
7:26 PM
Love You